It’s so easy, sometimes, to get caught up in the analytical, theoretical aspects of being poly. But something I don’t always do a good job at sharing is the beautiful ways in which my life is able to manifest outside of the conversations and theoretical discussions. So, this week, I will do my best to suspend some of my heavier, denser thought patterns and talk a little about a fantastic “poly-full” weekend I had with friends and a much-anticipated date.
My partner and I have a mutual friend that we know through the kink community who lives several hours away. We (myself and this friend) had been talking more, and my partner had noticed (and I explicitly acknowledged) that I had a growing attraction to them. So, at my partner’s urging (which included no shortage of teasing), I asked this person on a date, and was delighted to receive an enthusiastic yes.
This was something I knew I needed. It was important to me to spend one-on-one time with this person and, yes, certainly, there was a strong sexual component that was explicitly acknowledged. As I was preparing to drive up, I recalled, at several points, the piece that Robin and I wrote last week, “What A Good Fuck,” and recognized internally that, if I had sex on my date, there would be a component of radical resistance to it. When I originally wrote the poem included in last week’s piece, “Fuck Me Fiercely,” I acknowledged privately to my upcoming date that they were on my mind while writing it.
So, although my partner got sick just before I left, they encouraged me to go spend time with this person, and I got to experience- simultaneously- the joy and love and stability of my partner as well as the giddiness, excitement, and nervousness of going on a first date.
I feel… immensely blessed to have the people in my life that I do. The night before my
date, I stayed with a friend who has become very close recently, and felt immensely safe sharing my fears, concerns, nerves, and excitement. He reassured me, teased me gently, told me I looked wonderful, and radiated compersion (a term used in the poly community to mean “experiencing joy when those around you are experiencing joy” and is often explicitly used to refer to warm, happy feelings when someone you care about is going on a date that they are excited about). He sent me on my way early afternoon to go on my date, assuaging my nervousness and reminding me to be a whole, real, present person.
And it was a fantastic date! We spent time together. They cooked a wonderful meal and we had conversations about God and politics, about theology and resistance, about kink and mental health and a whole slew of other disconnected but equally vibrant things. I was giddy and nervous and excited. I checked my phone and had encouragement from friends and partners and people who love me that want to see me happy.
That’s the thing about poly that gets missed so often: I think we truly want to see the people we love happy. And when things are going well, we are able to manage our emotions and reconcile jealousy (when it’s present) and send our partners a message that says, “Hey, I really hope you’re having a good time and hoping you get laid!”
And that’s what I got this weekend from my partner. Encouragement, excitement, a listening ear as I was driving home and laughing at the silly escapades and incredibly hot experiences on my date. I had a friend that messaged me, asking to hear anything I was willing to share because he was so excited for me. I’ve had days of secret smiles and fond musings over beautiful memories and anticipation for when we might make time to get together again (something that was a mutually agreed-upon desire). And on the way home, I took a few extra minutes to stop and get some flowers and a balloon (and some chicken noodle soup) because I also love my partner, and I wanted to take the time, in the midst of my happiness, to show him that I loved him, missed him, and thought of him.
And from my date? I looked at them and acknowledged that I felt like fucking them was an act of radical resistance, and they agreed. We had coffee and sex and went out for breakfast
(or, perhaps, lunch) at a diner and they held my hand and showed affection toward me publicly. It seems like a small thing, but it solidified the way that sex as resistance feels. That I am not just simply someone to desire privately, but relegated to platonic interactions beyond the bedroom. That they, someone who is predominantly read as male, are willing to hold my hand. That they are not ashamed.
And that’s something in and of itself. It’s not just what we do in the sheets, but how we act in the streets. When we are able to connect and feel these acts of radical resistance in bodies and sex and fucking and intimacy, and then we claim that by holding hands and showing affection publicly… that, in and of itself, is its own resistance. It’s a refusal to hide and fly under the radar and give into fear. Watching someone willingly shrug off the privilege they carry as a white-presenting, male-presenting person and choose, instead, to risk being associated with me, someone who is harassed almost daily for the way that I look… that is a type of courage that I respect, and feel honored to have witnessed and received.
So poly can be fun. It’s theoretical and analytical and please don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of conversations that happen around these moments. But when the conversations go well, and everyone is on the same page, and the relationships we have built are strong, then my partner can send me off on a date where sex will most likely happen, and text me encouragement and excitement and joy, where I can feel the compersion coming from him and I know that he is genuinely happy that I was able to get something I needed. The giddiness and feeling of radical resistance through fucking and holding hands over diner food, through carefully learning someone’s body and ways of moving, to begin to learn how my body can interact with their body, and what that feels like in a visceral way, and to come home and share those stories with my partner and watch the slow smile start blooming across their face as they nod and say, “I’m so glad you had a good date.”
In 1993 or 1994 I wrote a poetic reflection on Ruth 4:7-17 to be read as part of the observance of “Lesbian and Gay Worship Week” at Union Theological Seminary in the City of New York (where I was a doctoral student).
As Malachi and I have thought about how to draw upon biblical resources to further understanding of, and openness toward, non-monogamous relationships and families, I remembered the poem. I also remembered the commentary by Queer biblical scholar Mona West who describes “Naomi, Ruth, and Boaz’s decision to create their own family and define their own understanding of kinship and responsibility to one another within the context of the inheritance and kinship laws of ancient Israel.” (The Queer Bible Commentary, SCM Press, 2006, pp. 190-194). West draws a clear connection between this ancient story and the ways Queer communities and persons have long been “creating our families.”
She does not explicitly connect this to polyamorous partners, nor did I when I wrote the poem. However, as I continue to explore the reality and beauty of non-monogamous relationships it is now clear to me that these three people chose to live in a form of polyamory, to create family for themselves and for their child, Obed, the ancient ancestor of King David and, if the Gospel accounts are to be believed, of Jesus.
Thus, a revised version of the poem, below, contains a few additional lines that reflect not only the evident polyamory but also seek to express some gender fluidity, not so much for Naomi, Ruth and Boaz as for all who are called women and men in the poem (and to reflect how Ruth pushes the boundaries of behavior by women of that time by her boldness in creating a relationship with Boaz).
In other words, this biblical text, like others, can show us how life, how God, opens up more truth than we previously knew, if we stay open to what we have not yet seen. With God, there is always more.
Meditation on Ruth 4:7-17
A son was born to Naomi
A son whose mother was Ruth
Naomi and Ruth bore a son
Boaz provided the seed
Naomi and Ruth provided the son
The women of the neighborhood provided a name
The women of the neighborhood said to Naomi and therefore also to Ruth who loved Naomi
Blessed be God who has not left you this day without next of kin
The women of the neighborhood said to Naomi who lost a husband and two sons
You shall be nourished by your son born to Ruth whose love is more dear to you than seven sons
The fidelity of Ruth and Naomi for one another brought forth a child from the womb of one
to the mothering breasts of the other.
This is the Book of Ruth and Naomi
not the Book of Boaz the Husband/Father nor the Book of Obed the Son
The Book of Ruth and Naomi because Ruth says to Naomi whom she loves more dearly than seven sons
where you go I will go
where you lodge I will lodge
your people shall be my people
your God my God
It is the Book of Ruth and Naomi
because Ruth was not a Hebrew but a Moabite
a foreigner who chose to live among the people of her mother-in-law
It is the Book of Ruth and Naomi
because their love the love of a Moabite woman for a Hebrew woman produces the ancestor of David the king of Judah
David the Israelite King has Moabite blood because of the love of Ruth and Naomi
It is the Book of Ruth and Naomi
because the women of the neighborhood call both women mother
because the women of the neighborhood name the child
claiming the power of naming the child born to the two women
this child Obed the Son of Woman.
Jesus the Son of God the Son of Man the Son of David the Son of Jesse the Son of Obed
the Son of Ruth and Naomi
all praise the love of Ruth and Naomi
who bear the ancestor of the ancestors of the King of Judah and the King of the Jews
All praise the love of Ruth and Naomi
The value of the love of two women is not the men and kings they produce.
Perhaps King David danced naked in the public square because he was the son of Naomi and Ruth
Perhaps he loved Jonathan surpassing the love of men for women because he was the son of Naomi and Ruth
But the love of two women is sufficient unto itself
Perhaps Jesus cherished the one known as the beloved disciple in a special way because among his foremothers were Naomi and Ruth
Perhaps Jesus loved Lazarus most of all because his ancient mothers were Naomi and Ruth
But the love of two women is sufficient unto itself
The hunger of two loving women must be fed even if that means one sweats in the fields for Boaz by day and lies with him by night
The security of two women must be met even when that means one sends the other forth into an unfriendly world.
Women loving women men loving men
defining their own genders and desire
not dependent on birth certificates or the rules of others
make our way in that unfriendly world which demands we deny our desires
to make the world safe for Boaz.
But Boaz was not a bad man
he responded honorably in his time to Ruth and Naomi
but we no longer accept the necessity (or protection) of invisibility in the household of Boaz.
We who were once children loving one another in the first faint stirrings of pre-pubescent desire
are now grown to woman-loving-womanhood and man-loving-manhood
however we choose to define ourselves.
We are your children whom you do not see until we tell you who we are by whom we love
This very day some who are still children will die in despair at their own hands because they cannot yet find the voice to claim their love against the silence which blankets them in shame
They die at our hands too for our failure to hear them into speech
our failure to love them into love.
We who are grown to woman-loving-womanhood and man-loving-manhood
however we choose to define ourselves
We who kiss woman to woman man to man
who share the kiss of peace which disturbs the peace
We who believe in revolutionary love
also give life and love to children
who are the children of the promise of Ruth and Naomi.
Our children are born of women
into constellations of family, of parenthood, often dazzlingly complicated
not conforming to what is claimed by many to be the right and only way.
Two women using the semen of one man or several men whom they know or do not know
Two men asking a woman whom they know (and alas sometimes paying one they do not know) to bear the child of all three
Two women two men three women three men
Even a man and a woman who are not lovers except as they love a child
Two men one woman two women one man
bearing the children of their loins
or sometimes adopting the child unwanted or unclaimed by others.
The combinations are endless
the children are loved
with or without benefit of clergy
with or without blessing by the state
too often with suspicion by the social gaze.
The children are loved
by women by men in the neighborhood who give them their names
by women by men who are family without blood ties
whose blood is simultaneously thick with passion and care and a refusal to be invisible or silent
whose lust for life is predicated on and nourished by an honest lust for one another
and a lust for justice for the children — all children.
All praise the love of Ruth and Naomi
All praise the family of Ruth and Naomi and Boaz and Obed
All praise God who loves all, who is love.
We Want to Hear from You!
Help Make this a Conversation!
What are your thoughts and reflections on Ruth 4:7-17? Have you had any experience with non-monogamy and unconventional relationships that have brought you joy to think on? Please share your thoughts, your heart, on these questions or anything else this blog raises for you (see “Leave a Comment” link on upper left, underneath categories and tags), or box below, or write Malachi and/or Robin at the emails listed above their pictures on the right.
Join Us Third Thursdays!
Please join us THURSDAY, February 16th for Sex, Bodies, Spirit Online from 3-4:00 EST/19:00 UTC. To access the call, please click here. Please note that some members of the call (including Robin and Malachi) choose to enable video during the call. Video is not necessary; we encourage participants to participate as they feel comfortable. A sidebar chat option is available to those who choose not to enable their audio/video components. If you have questions or concerns prior to the workshop, please write one of us at the email addresses above our pictures.
Workshop description: Non-Monogamy 2 continues from where a previous workshop ended. On December 15, 2016, Malachi and Robin delved into non-monogamy. Malachi described its various forms in contemporary culture and offered observations from personal experience. Robin commented on some of the positive aspects and understandings he has gained through learning more about non-monogamy and reflected on his own feelings (which are more positive than he would have thought). There was a good discussion among those participating on the call, and questions were raised. Malachi and Robin plan to offer more information, and specifically some responses to the questions. If you were unable to be present on December 15, we are hoping a video of the presentation (but not the discussion) will soon be available.