Our Whole Selves

“…it can be so easy to simply come from a place of being a sexual being…It’s a lot harder, I think, to be a whole person.”

Robin:

revrobin2-023Malachi and I agreed that he would post solo this week, in order to share reflections from his weekend kink convention. As I read it, I am moved by how his intention to be a whole person—to not hold himself back—helped him create a new level of personal fulfillment and whole self-expression.

There is a lesson here for me, and maybe for you. For me, it is a reminder that not being afraid of sex, not seeking to control it but rather to live into my whole being including my embodied desire for pleasure, with self and another/others, takes me to a new level of wholeness, of personal shalom.

And one more thought: kink is not part of my sexual life, at least not yet. But that does not mean I cannot learn more about my body, about sex, about wholeness, from those for whom it is a key part of their living. If we talked more openly about sex, about our sexual experiences, just imagine what we might learn  (and perhaps even teach!).

Malachi:

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This past weekend, I had the extreme fortune to attend a weekend-long annual kink and BDSM convention in DC. This was my third year attending this particular event, and my eighth convention put on by this particular group.  I had a good sense of what I was walking into- the environment, the people, the experience. But given the current political climate and location of this event, I confess I felt some sense of trepidation that I don’t usually feel before events like this.

This was my first time working as event staff, and I was feeling the weight of that, and nervousness of what things might come up. Particularly being in DC at an alternative sexuality conference, I felt a good deal of nervousness, worrying about someone entering the event that was not supposed to be there and compromising the safety of attendees.

In reality, though, this was one of the best conferences I have been to. I don’t necessarily want to go into all the details of everything that happened, but I walk away from these events with new lessons to ponder every time, and this is no exception. So, this week, I offer this small reflection of thoughts and lessons that I grappled with throughout my time this weekend.

And while these reflections are given in the context of a BDSM convention, the truth is, most of what I took from this conference had to do with being wholly present in my body. Giving space for the good where I am prone to seeing the bad. Allowing myself permission to want, and ask for, things that made me feel good.

Competency: This was a really big one this weekend. Working as staff, I was concerned that I would mess up or not know how to handle a situation appropriately. I was scared of failing. As I was training and began to work, I felt deeply reassured that I was not working without a safety net- other staff members were quick to answer any questions I had. As the weekend progressed and I got more proficient, more than once, another person wouldimg_7381 begin to do something and then defer the task to me: “You can handle this.”

I began to learn how to trust myself. How to make decisions that impacted other people. How to recognize my own competency. There is a lot of discussion about imposter’s syndrome and feeling like you’re waiting for everyone to realize that you don’t really belong there. And sometimes, I still feel like I’m “too new” to the BDSM community to have any form of leadership role within it (I’ve only been around for a couple of years). But feeling the support from others and watching as my decisions turned out well, I began feeling more competent. And competency helped me feel confident, and feeling confident shifted a lot of the ways that I navigated within the convention outside of work.

Confidence: Directly related, my confidence soared. I felt sexy, happy, fun, excited, exciting, and desirable. I accepted compliments about myself, my body, my capacity for caring, and my presence more gracefully than usual. I gave myself permission to ask for the things I wanted, and decline the things I didn’t (rather than feel a sense of obligation to engage in things I didn’t want and assume that it was too much of a bother for those things I did).

In short, I took up space and set appropriate boundaries for myself. The tapes that usually play in my head took a break for the weekend, and I felt comfortable in my own skin. I approached someone I hadn’t met before that I found sexually attractive and stated as much (and ended up having sex with him shortly thereafter). I acknowledged feelings of mutual attraction with a friend. I graciously accepted those who told me they were attracted to me without needing to feel guilty if the feeling wasn’t reciprocated.

Catalyst: I made things happen for myself. I didn’t just focus on work and logistics and distractions, and I also didn’t get caught up in a web of trauma processing. A few months ago, I was in a situation in which I was breaking up a fight and got kicked in the face, resulting in some minor fractures along my eye socket and cheekbone. After it happened, I

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Photo by BDSLR

felt uncomfortable going to kink parties and play spaces for a little while because I wasn’t sure how I would respond to seeing sexualized depictions of violence that felt a little too close to home.

I’ve since been to smaller parties, but this was the first large convention I had attended, and many of the people who know me there know me within the specific context of kink-
and particularly things that include a level of heavy impact. I was scared, I think, that I wouldn’t be able to do things that I enjoyed because of either (a) exposure to situations that looked similar to my trauma or (b) because people tend to approach me for certain kinks that look similar to my trauma, and wouldn’t be interested in doing anything else with me.

I found both to be untrue. I got to branch out and explore a lot of things I often don’t get to (like rope bondage). And as I explored, I also found that I got more comfortable asking for new things. I felt like I was breaking out of a box, in many regards, and allowing my post-trauma body to exist in a familiar space in new ways. That, in and of itself, was cathartic and healing.

Connection: I had the opportunity to connect with some wonderful people at this event- people I had seen in passing, but got to know through conversation and physical interaction. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the “WOW” factor at BDSM events, and it feels really important to make sure that there is also time for the subtler things- moments of friendship, moments of kindness, moments where we are able to connect with one another as whole people, rather than sexual objects or kinky people.

Particularly in spaces like this, where there is such a sex-positive atmosphere, it can be so easy to simply come from a place of being a sexual being because our sexuality is so often repressed in the rest of our lives. Casual conversations between total strangers often involve descriptions of acts that many people would blush at telling their best friend. In that space, it is easy to be sexual. It’s a lot harder, I think, to be a whole person. To feel uncertain or insecure. To feel nervous or have a political analysis. To be asexual. To be a

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Photo by LoganV

parent or to have a new job or to be in the middle of moving or any of the other mundane, day-to-day things we have going on.

My challenge this event was to be a real person, and I found myself able to be grounded in that space- not because of sex, and not in spite of the overt sexuality, but because I gave myself permission to be a whole person. To be nervous about working on staff and allowing others to offer help. To accept words of encouragement and compliment, rather
than brushing it off. To allow myself to ask for things and not be afraid of what might come up in my own mental processing of trauma. To allow myself to have real conversations with people about things other than just sex and kink.

Overall, I had a fantastic time and a wonderful weekend. As always, leaving events like this leaves me wanting more, and more- but I can also give myself permission to be present in this moment, enjoying the calm and sitting with the feelings and reflections of a powerful, wonderful, affirming weekend.

Bodies on the Line

This is the time to reach out in support, to create new networks, to open spaces and create something new.

Robin: 

revrobin2-023Bodies are always at risk in the world. But it feels to me that many bodies, and in some ways most bodies, are under attack in the United States these days.

Here are a few items in the news that create that reality for me:

  • Trans Bodies. In one of his first acts as the new Attorney General of the United States, Jeff Sessions has alerted the federal appeals court in Texas that the government will no longer appeal the ruling af the district court judge who blocked, nationwide, Obama Administration rules protecting trans students in public schools. Read more here   This raises concern about how the new administration might position the government (or if it will try to do so) in a case, involving an appeal from the Gloucester County, Virginia, School Board already scheduled for hearing at the Supreme Court (the board appealing an appeals court ruling granting the right to Gavin Grimm to use the boy’s restroom at the county high school). Every trans public school student and their parents are facing great risk, not long after the Obama Administration raised hopes for real change.
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    PJ Media

    Immigrant Bodies. In the past few days, there has been reports of a marked increase in the number of ICE raids and arrests of immigrants who are without the necessary papers and those with criminal records. The targets have centered on eleven states, including California, New York, Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Illinois. Some of this continues Obama Administration practice of expelling immigrants with criminal records, but it also seems more people than under Obama have been deported for not having papers. The actions seem clearly focused Mexican nationals and other Latin Americans living in the United States. Articles in various foreign-language local media outlets have reported on widespread fear. Read more here and here.   Who knows where this will all end, but it is safe to say that millions of bodies, not just those who are deported but also those left behind, are likely affected.

  • Refugee Bodies. Closely connected are others from foreign lands, especially those fleeing horrible violence in their own land who, according to the President and others in the government, allegedly want to wreak it here. Clearly, we do not know how far the current government will be able to go, but in the meantime it is pretty scary–tens, nay hundreds, of thousands, at least, are at risk. .
  • Bodies Needing Healthcare. The continuing uncertainty about whether there will be any realistic replacement of the Affordable Care Act (after its almost certain repeal) leaves many facing not having health care that is affordable and accessible. The legislation to repeal seems stalled at the moment, as apparently those rabidly opposed to the program are realizing that though they belittled it many people depend on it for adequate health care. What does not seem to be going away however, is the determination of the Republican Congress and the President to end the Obama version even if they cannot agree on what the new one should look like. The anxiety for many with clear and ongoing needs for care is real—millions of bodies are at risk.
  • protect-womnes-healthWomen’s Bodies. Connected to the future of health care is the effort to defund Planned Parenthood. The bodies of at least two million low-income women are at stake if Speaker Paul Ryan and Vice President Mike Pence succeed in doing what the Trump campaign promised last fall: take all federal Medicaid funding from Planned Parenthood and give it to local community health clinics. Even if that does not happen, the health of many other women will be impacted due to the high proportion of women’s services, other than abortion, provided by Planned Parenthood clinics all over the nation. Read more here.
  • LGBT Bodies. And even one bad action averted is not fully reassuring. After public pressure, and according to some sources, the intervention of the President’s daughter and son-in-law, the rumored Executive Order to rescind protection of lesbian and gay persons in federal employment decisions was withdrawn. Read more here. The White House even publicly announced the change, touting the President as supportive of LGBT rights. Read more here.  Still, the Administration has not yet issued an expected order about religious freedom that would undermine LGBT rights, and Vice President Mike Pence has a long record of championing anti-LGBT causes. These factors leave many nervous about how far protections for LGBT will be undermined and rolled back. It seems clear there will be no forward movement—queer bodies again in jeopardy.
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    Chip Somodevilla, Getty Images

    Black Bodies, Poor Bodies, Elderly Bodies. The confirmation of Jeff Sessions as Attorney General causes a rising concern among African Americans, and other racial minorities, about federal protections. It seems clear that the Justice Department will slow down, or even end, efforts to help, and certainly stop suits against, local police departments to end racial profiling and other racist practices. In addition, voting rights seem likely to be under threat, and that involves not only African Americans but also poor people and elderly people of all races.

It may be then, that white straight men (WSM), at least those not poor, have little to fear, especially in their bodies. Those who want to grab pussy can still do so—just don’t talk about it in the locker room (someone might take you seriously), and their voting is not at issue.

I am old enough to remember days like that, the days when America was really great, at least for middle- and upper-class WSM. I don’t want to go back there. I doubt you do either.

Malachi and I usually write more obviously about bodies as connected to sex. However, he and I know that patriarchal constructions of society are never far removed from sex. And bodies are always at risk—even, potentially, some of those male bodies that look secure (e.g., men with LGBT children or siblings, friends and neighbors or business associates or co-workers who are Black or LatinX or Muslim, etc.).

bayard-rustin-angelic-troublemakersThe theological truth is that every body belongs to God, is part of the family of God, and deserves not only respect but also tender care and opportunities to thrive and glow, each in their own way. I am at a loss to explain how people who say they are conservative can so easily not engage in conserving each and every one of these glorious creations, and even more, actively engage in opposing efforts to care for every single body.

I shall resist as best I know how all anti-body rhetoric and activity. That begins with writing the truth as I see it, and asking you and others to join me in more truth-telling, marching, writing letters to Congress, and agitating wherever and whenever we can, being the “angelic troublemakers” (St.) Bayard Rustin called up decades ago.

 

Malachi: 

14947937_10100747005631839_8991378826366585167_nMy childhood minister (prior to Rev. Robin), Rev. Gill Storey, told me once that “patriotism is the birthplace of racism.” That phrase has stuck with me throughout the years and has greatly influenced and informed my perspectives and beliefs on patriotism (particularly post 9/11) through adulthood. Right now, though, I think that it’s a particularly poignant message, as we have seen an uptick in Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) raids behind the banner of “Make America Great Again.”

Indeed, how can we not see the link between patriotism and racism right now? But beyond racism, we see an assault on all bodies that do not conform to the accepted “all-American” look. We see, as Robin has linked, article after article in which different groups are being actively targeted because of their (actual and perceived) race, gender identity, sexual orientation, gender, religion, ethnicity, and/or country of origin.

Today, I don’t come with facts and figures, theory and substantiation. Today, I come with stories. Memories. Moments in my life that resonated so strongly that, when I see the echoes of them today, they make me shake with rage and fear.

I remember being trans in high school. I remember going by the name “Tony” on days where I wanted to be a boy. I remember, in acts of solidarity (as we understood them at the time), guys from band sitting with me on the bus and explaining which pocket you put your wallet in and which wrist should carry your watch. I remember, for the most part support. Except for that one day, when I needed to pee, and went into the bathroom, and freaked out a younger girl coming out of the stall. When I told this story to my friends, they looked at me and said, “Well… duh. You should have used the men’s room.” I didn’t know how to explain my fear of what would happen if I did, and instead tried to avoid using the bathroom at school, ever.

I remember changing band uniforms on the bus- they had a boys bus and a girls bus, and I was never sure which I should be in, which half my friends telling me one thing, and the other half saying something different.

I was on a trans panel a few years ago, and I listened to a friend talk about

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http://www.travelheals.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/drinkmorewater8x10.jpg

being in a chronic state of dehydration because he didn’t want to navigate the public bathrooms on a college campus. I was floored, realizing that I, too, don’t drink nearly enough water and live in a chronic state of dehydration as a subconscious method of avoiding bathrooms. This is not a particularly good thing for me, as an adult, but it’s significantly worse for children and teenagers, whose bodies are growing and changing. It’s one small side effect of these bathroom bills and anti-trans laws that is rarely talked about, but we (as trans people) are doing violence to our own bodies to mitigate the fear of violence being perpetrated onto us.

Compared to what kids are facing now (and what many other kids faced when I was in school), my experience coming out as trans in high school was positively charmed. But I also remember the tension, the fear, the anxiety, the nervousness I felt in an environment that was, for the most part, fairly safe. And then I think about what these laws could do, the impacts they could (and do) have on kids who are struggling to figure out everything from who they want to take to prom to where they want to go to college to how to explain to their parents about why they missed curfew, and it makes me sick with rage and fear and concern. I want to be there, to be able to support these kids, to take something off the stress they are feeling from every other part of their lives. I see high school teachers struggling to connect and wanting to support their students, but not knowing how to.

I have friends that are undocumented, who are struggling to figure out next steps for themselves, their partners, their families. I have friends directly impacted by the ICE raids, struggling to figure out where to go to get away from the threats and realizing that there is nowhere to go. I have other friends talking about trapdoors to basements and who has enough space to house a family for a little while.

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I have known someone whose visa ran out, and she and her partner had to figure out next steps because her partner, who was chronically ill, was as a vet and received all medical care through the VA. Leaving wasn’t an option for her partner, staying wasn’t an option for her, and being apart was an option for neither.

I have known black and brown bodies, black and brown friends who have been targeted by the police and civilians because of the color of their skin. I have known queer women who have committed suicide because of sexual assault. I have known sex workers who have been threatened with “outing” and prosecution unless they provided services to the police.

These are not abstractions for me. These are my friends, my people, the ones that I have potlucks with and watch their dogs while they’re away. These are the people whose postcards cover my kitchen wall and whose heads I have held while they cried. This is not statistics or figures or even something new for me. These are the people that I stand beside at protests, watching their courage as they hold signs and claim their lives and identities.

These laws enshrine an attitude in this culture that many have tried to deny for years. Yet as the days pass and executive order followed by cabinet appointment followed by misinformation continues to come from the White House, more begin to see the atrocities and we are banding together.

relationshipsThis is the time for community. This is the time to reach out in support, to create new networks, to open spaces and create something new. Now is the time that we must persevere, and the intersections of our identities give us different abilities and privileges to work within toward that goal.

If patriotism is the birthplace of racism, what then is the birthplace of freedom? Extending our communities to those of different experiences. Inviting refugees and welcoming immigrants. Holding hands on the street. Stopping and witnessing when the police have stopped and questioned a person of color on the street. Actively working against rape culture.

These executive orders and lawsuits and appointments are dire, and they are an assault on bodies- all bodies. So perhaps, those of us with more privilege can use our bodies- our whiteness, our straightness (or straight-passingness), our American citizenship, our maleness- to protect those who might otherwise be killed in the onslaught. We build community and protect others against this assault on our bodies, our beings, our existence. And through community, we are able to truly find freedom.

We Want to Hear from You!

Help Make this a Conversation!

What are your thoughts and reflections on Ruth 4:7-17? Have you had any experience with non-monogamy and unconventional relationships that have brought you joy to think on? Please share your thoughts, your heart, on these questions or anything else this blog raises for you (see “Leave a Comment” link on upper left, underneath categories and tags), or box below, or write Malachi and/or Robin at the emails listed above their pictures on the right.

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discoverpittsfield.com

Join Us Third Thursdays!

Please join us tomorrow, THURSDAY, February 16th for Sex, Bodies, Spirit Online from 3-4:00 EST/19:00 UTC. To access the call, please click here. Please note that some members of the call (including Robin and Malachi) choose to enable video during the call. Video is not necessary; we encourage participants to participate as they feel comfortable. A sidebar chat option is available to those who choose not to enable their audio/video components.  If you have questions or concerns prior to the workshop, please write one of us at the email addresses above our pictures.

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happy-parties.com

Workshop description: Non-Monogamy 2 continues from where a previous workshop ended. On December 15, 2016, Malachi and Robin delved into non-monogamy. Malachi described its various forms in contemporary culture and offered observations from personal experience. Robin commented on some of the positive aspects and understandings he has gained through learning more about non-monogamy and reflected on his own feelings (which are more positive than he would have thought). There was a good discussion among those participating on the call, and questions were raised. Malachi and Robin plan to offer more information, and specifically some responses to the questions. If you were unable to be present on December 15, we are hoping a video of the presentation (but not the discussion) will soon be available.

In the Sheets, In the Streets

It’s not just what we do in the sheets, but how we act in the streets.

14947937_10100747005631839_8991378826366585167_nMalachi:

It’s so easy, sometimes, to get caught up in the analytical, theoretical aspects of being poly. But something I don’t always do a good job at sharing is the beautiful ways in which my life is able to manifest outside of the conversations and theoretical discussions. So, this week, I will do my best to suspend some of my heavier, denser thought patterns and talk a little about a fantastic “poly-full” weekend I had with friends and a much-anticipated date.

My partner and I have a mutual friend that we know through the kink community who lives several hours away. We (myself and this friend) had been talking more, and my partner had noticed (and I explicitly acknowledged) that I had a growing attraction to them. So, at my partner’s urging (which included no shortage of teasing), I asked this person on a date, and was delighted to receive an enthusiastic yes.

This was something I knew I needed. It was important to me to spend one-on-one time with this person and, yes, certainly, there was a strong sexual component that was explicitly acknowledged. As I was preparing to drive up, I recalled, at several points, the piece that Robin and I wrote last week, “What A Good Fuck,” and recognized internally that, if I had sex on my date, there would be a component of radical resistance to it. When I originally wrote the poem included in last week’s piece, “Fuck Me Fiercely,” I acknowledged privately to my upcoming date that they were on my mind while writing it.

So, although my partner got sick just before I left, they encouraged me to go spend time with this person, and I got to experience- simultaneously- the joy and love and stability of my partner as well as the giddiness, excitement, and nervousness of going on a first date.

I feel… immensely blessed to have the people in my life that I do. The night before my

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date, I stayed with a friend who has become very close recently, and felt immensely safe sharing my fears, concerns, nerves, and excitement. He reassured me, teased me gently, told me I looked wonderful, and radiated compersion (a term used in the poly community to mean “experiencing joy when those around you are experiencing joy” and is often explicitly used to refer to warm, happy feelings when someone you care about is going on a date that they are excited about). He sent me on my way early afternoon to go on my date, assuaging my nervousness and reminding me to be a whole, real, present person.

And it was a fantastic date! We spent time together. They cooked a wonderful meal and we had conversations about God and politics, about theology and resistance, about kink and mental health and a whole slew of other disconnected but equally vibrant things. I was giddy and nervous and excited. I checked my phone and had encouragement from friends and partners and people who love me that want to see me happy.

That’s the thing about poly that gets missed so often: I think we truly want to see the people we love happy. And when things are going well, we are able to manage our emotions and reconcile jealousy (when it’s present) and send our partners a message that says, “Hey, I really hope you’re having a good time and hoping you get laid!”

And that’s what I got this weekend from my partner. Encouragement, excitement, a listening ear as I was driving home and laughing at the silly escapades and incredibly hot experiences on my date. I had a friend that messaged me, asking to hear anything I was willing to share because he was so excited for me. I’ve had days of secret smiles and fond musings over beautiful memories and anticipation for when we might make time to get together again (something that was a mutually agreed-upon desire). And on the way home, I took a few extra minutes to stop and get some flowers and a balloon (and some chicken noodle soup) because I also love my partner, and I wanted to take the time, in the midst of my happiness, to show him that I loved him, missed him, and thought of him.

And from my date? I looked at them and acknowledged that I felt like fucking them was an act of radical resistance, and they agreed. We had coffee and sex and went out for breakfast

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(or, perhaps, lunch) at a diner and they held my hand and showed affection toward me publicly. It seems like a small thing, but it solidified the way that sex as resistance feels. That I am not just simply someone to desire privately, but relegated to platonic interactions beyond the bedroom. That they, someone who is predominantly read as male, are willing to hold my hand. That they are not ashamed.

And that’s something in and of itself. It’s not just what we do in the sheets, but how we act in the streets. When we are able to connect and feel these acts of radical resistance in bodies and sex and fucking and intimacy, and then we claim that by holding hands and showing affection publicly… that, in and of itself, is its own resistance. It’s a refusal to hide and fly under the radar and give into fear. Watching someone willingly shrug off the privilege they carry as a white-presenting, male-presenting person and choose, instead, to risk being associated with me, someone who is harassed almost daily for the way that I look… that is a type of courage that I respect, and feel honored to have witnessed and received.

So poly can be fun. It’s theoretical and analytical and please don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of conversations that happen around these moments. But when the conversations go well, and everyone is on the same page, and the relationships we have built are strong, then my partner can send me off on a date where sex will most likely happen, and text me encouragement and excitement and joy, where I can feel the compersion coming from him and I know that he is genuinely happy that I was able to get something I needed. The giddiness and feeling of radical resistance through fucking and holding hands over diner food, through carefully learning someone’s body and ways of moving, to begin to learn how my body can interact with their body, and what that feels like in a visceral way, and to come home and share those stories with my partner and watch the slow smile start blooming across their face as they nod and say, “I’m so glad you had a good date.”

Robin:

In 1993 or 1994 I wrote a poetic reflection on Ruth 4:7-17 to be read as part of the observance of “Lesbian and Gay Worship Week” at Union Theological Seminary in the City of New York (where I was a doctoral student).

revrobin2-023As Malachi and I have thought about how to draw upon biblical resources to further understanding of, and openness toward, non-monogamous relationships and families, I remembered the poem. I also remembered the commentary by Queer biblical scholar Mona West who describes “Naomi, Ruth, and Boaz’s decision to create their own family and define their own understanding of kinship and responsibility to one another within the context of the inheritance and kinship laws of ancient Israel.”  (The Queer Bible Commentary, SCM Press, 2006, pp. 190-194). West draws a clear connection between this ancient story and the ways Queer communities and persons have long been “creating our families.”

She does not explicitly connect this to polyamorous partners, nor did I when I wrote the poem. However, as I continue to explore the reality and beauty of non-monogamous relationships it is now clear to me that these three people chose to live in a form of polyamory, to create family for themselves and for their child, Obed, the ancient ancestor of King David and, if the Gospel accounts are to be believed, of Jesus.

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amazon.com

Thus, a revised version of the poem, below, contains a few additional lines that reflect not only the evident polyamory but also seek to express some gender fluidity, not so much for Naomi, Ruth and Boaz as for all who are called women and men in the poem (and to reflect how Ruth pushes the boundaries of behavior by women of that time by her boldness in creating a relationship with Boaz).

In other words, this biblical text, like others, can show us how life, how God, opens up more truth than we previously knew, if we stay open to what we have not yet seen. With God, there is always more.

Meditation on Ruth 4:7-17

A son was born to Naomi
A son whose mother was Ruth
Naomi and Ruth bore a son
Boaz provided the seed
Naomi and Ruth provided the son
The women of the neighborhood provided a name
The women of the neighborhood said to Naomi and therefore also to Ruth who loved Naomi
Blessed be God who has not left you this day without next of kin
The women of the neighborhood said to Naomi who lost a husband and two sons
You shall be nourished by your son born to Ruth whose love is more dear to you than seven sons
The fidelity of Ruth and Naomi for one another brought forth a child from the womb of one
to the mothering breasts of the other.

This is the Book of Ruth and Naomi
not the Book of Boaz the Husband/Father nor the Book of Obed the Son
The Book of Ruth and Naomi because Ruth says to Naomi whom she loves more dearly than seven sons
where you go I will go
where you lodge I will lodge
your people shall be my people
your God my God
It is the Book of Ruth and Naomi
because Ruth was not a Hebrew but a Moabite
a foreigner who chose to live among the people of her mother-in-law
It is the Book of Ruth and Naomi
because their love the love of a Moabite woman for a Hebrew woman produces the ancestor of David the king of Judah
David the Israelite King has Moabite blood because of the love of Ruth and Naomi
It is the Book of Ruth and Naomi
because the women of the neighborhood call both women mother
because the women of the neighborhood name the child
claiming the power of naming the child born to the two women
this child Obed the Son of Woman.

Jesus the Son of God the Son of Man the Son of David the Son of Jesse the Son of Obed
the Son of Ruth and Naomi
all praise the love of Ruth and Naomi
who bear the ancestor of the ancestors of the King of Judah and the King of the Jews
All praise the love of Ruth and Naomi

Stop!

The value of the love of two women is not the men and kings they produce.
Perhaps King David danced naked in the public square because he was the son of Naomi and Ruth
Perhaps he loved Jonathan surpassing the love of men for women because he was the son of Naomi and Ruth
But the love of two women is sufficient unto itself

Perhaps Jesus cherished the one known as the beloved disciple in a special way because among his foremothers were Naomi and Ruth
Perhaps Jesus loved Lazarus most of all because his ancient mothers were Naomi and Ruth
But the love of two women is sufficient unto itself
The hunger of two loving women must be fed even if that means one sweats in the fields for Boaz by day and lies with him by night
The security of two women must be met even when that means one sends the other forth into an unfriendly world.

Women loving women men loving men
defining their own genders and desire
not dependent on birth certificates or the rules of others
make our way in that unfriendly world which demands we deny our desires
to make the world safe for Boaz.
But Boaz was not a bad man
he responded honorably in his time to Ruth and Naomi
but we no longer accept the necessity (or protection) of invisibility in the household of Boaz.
We who were once children loving one another in the first faint stirrings of pre-pubescent desire
are now grown to woman-loving-womanhood and man-loving-manhood
however we choose to define ourselves.

We are your children whom you do not see until we tell you who we are by whom we love
This very day some who are still children will die in despair at their own hands because they cannot yet find the voice to claim their love against the silence which blankets them in shame
They die at our hands too for our failure to hear them into speech
our failure to love them into love.

We who are grown to woman-loving-womanhood and man-loving-manhood
however we choose to define ourselves
We who kiss woman to woman man to man
who share the kiss of peace which disturbs the peace
We who believe in revolutionary love
also give life and love to children
who are the children of the promise of Ruth and Naomi.
Our children are born of women
into constellations of family, of parenthood, often dazzlingly complicated
not conforming to what is claimed by many to be the right and only way.
Two women using the semen of one man or several men whom they know or do not know
Two men asking a woman whom they know (and alas sometimes paying one they do not know) to bear the child of all three
Two women two men three women three men
Even a man and a woman who are not lovers except as they love a child
Two men one woman two women one man
bearing the children of their loins
or sometimes adopting the child unwanted or unclaimed by others.
The combinations are endless
the children are loved
with or without benefit of clergy
with or without blessing by the state
too often with suspicion by the social gaze.

The children are loved
by women by men in the neighborhood who give them their names
by women by men who are family without blood ties
whose blood is simultaneously thick with passion and care and a refusal to be invisible or silent
whose lust for life is predicated on and nourished by an honest lust for one another
and a lust for justice for the children — all children.
All praise the love of Ruth and Naomi
All praise the family of Ruth and Naomi and Boaz and Obed
All praise God who loves all, who is love.

We Want to Hear from You!

Help Make this a Conversation!

What are your thoughts and reflections on Ruth 4:7-17? Have you had any experience with non-monogamy and unconventional relationships that have brought you joy to think on? Please share your thoughts, your heart, on these questions or anything else this blog raises for you (see “Leave a Comment” link on upper left, underneath categories and tags), or box below, or write Malachi and/or Robin at the emails listed above their pictures on the right.

discoverpittsfield.com
discoverpittsfield.com

Join Us Third Thursdays!

Please join us THURSDAY, February 16th for Sex, Bodies, Spirit Online from 3-4:00 EST/19:00 UTC. To access the call, please click here. Please note that some members of the call (including Robin and Malachi) choose to enable video during the call. Video is not necessary; we encourage participants to participate as they feel comfortable. A sidebar chat option is available to those who choose not to enable their audio/video components.  If you have questions or concerns prior to the workshop, please write one of us at the email addresses above our pictures.

polyamory-symbol-happy-parties-com
happy-parties.com

Workshop description: Non-Monogamy 2 continues from where a previous workshop ended. On December 15, 2016, Malachi and Robin delved into non-monogamy. Malachi described its various forms in contemporary culture and offered observations from personal experience. Robin commented on some of the positive aspects and understandings he has gained through learning more about non-monogamy and reflected on his own feelings (which are more positive than he would have thought). There was a good discussion among those participating on the call, and questions were raised. Malachi and Robin plan to offer more information, and specifically some responses to the questions. If you were unable to be present on December 15, we are hoping a video of the presentation (but not the discussion) will soon be available.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What A Good Fuck

If we sacrifice our joy for their fear, then we have given them the power to conquer our hearts.

14947937_10100747005631839_8991378826366585167_nMalachi: 

This has been a chaotic, terrifying week in many respects. To be honest, so much has happened that it’s hard to hold onto everything- the most apparent issue, at the moment, is the Muslim ban imposed by Donald Trump, but it is certainly not the first of many questionable, objectionable, and (in my opinion) immoral actions since his inauguration a week and a half ago.

In light of this, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. We are all expending so much emotional energy on the issues of the day- calling representatives to encourage them to block Betsy DeVos’ confirmation, or supporting people still fighting against the Dakota Access Pipeline, or making signs and showing up to airport protests, or fighting to keep Planned Parenthood funded, or simply trying to make it through the day- it can be hard to find space in our lives for anything that isn’t pressing in this moment. And every moment seems to bring a new pressing issue, until it is easy to feel fatigued, overwhelmed, and burnt out. Sometimes, it feels like we have nothing left to give to the issues that are coming, and we don’t have the capacity to spend time and energy on issues that are not front-and-center.

How, then, do we maintain relevance in our discussions of sexuality and bodies? How do we ask people to care about something that, while important, isn’t making the news cycles time and again?

As an avid lover of West Wing, there is a quote that comes in one of the later seasons: “Don’t let the urgent crowd out the important.” It is something that has stuck with me, because I see us at a crossroads now, one in which we are marshalling our strength and energy for the long fights ahead, and we need to put our resources where they will have the most impact. And quite frankly, I understand those who might feel that the inclusion of eros, the focus on sexuality, the self-acceptance of our own bodies, the drive to welcome other bodies might seem important, but can be left behind in favor of more pressing issues.

And yet… at the same time, I think when we look around at the issues that are coming up
and the fights that are building, to not have the discussions around bodies and sex leaves us at a loss for connectivity but, more importantly, loses sight of a key point that interconnects so many of the issues. Most obviously, we exist and enter the world through our physical manifestations- our bodies- and through our bodies do we find our voice. But more importantly, we note that so many of these assaults are assaults on bodies: on women, on people of color, on manifestations of religion, on restrictions to our sexuality. The issues Robin and I seek to address are at the center of the national debate, if only we as a community and country are willing to see them.

So why is it important that we continue to come back to bodies, to sex, to eros, to love, to faith?

Because our bodies are our mechanism of resistance. They are the forms that we take to protests, they are the voices with which we call our representatives and speak our truthscivil-disobedience, they are the hands with which we carry signs and sign petitions, they are minds that debate the role and use of violence and the bodies that carry those beliefs to actions, they are the skin that faces undue prejudice directly proportional to the amount of melanin present, they are the configurations of trans and gender nonconforming bodies that face violence. Our bodies have been weaponized, some of them against our will.

We run the risk of becoming cold, hardened, robotic. In the frenzy of back-to-back protests and social media explosions and fights with in-laws and a constant barrage of bad news, we become desensitized and, ultimately, burnt out. Our bodies become tools, rather than whole, complex, organic beings. Our mechanisms for self-care become more vital to stave off the fatigue. Self-care is important, and we cannot let the urgency of the news of the day crowd out the importance of self-care.

And how do we find self-care? In so many ways, but for many, that care may come through connection, and one means of connection is our sexual selves. In the article, “Queer Sex is Our Greatest Act of Resistance,” Alex Gamer talks about the how our sexual selves are part of our resistance. In response to fear, he says, “Now is the time to be unapologetically queer and that must include our sex. When we fuck it has value and meaning and no policy or lawmaker can ever take that away from us.”

For me, “fucking” is an act of defiance. “Fucking” is also different than “intimacy,” “making love,” or “having sex.” Perhaps the crassness of the language is offputting to some, but I personally believe there is a time and a place to use certain language, and “fuck” as a term of passionate, visceral, raw exchange of sexual energy is a powerful word in the face of censorship.

Recently, I wrote the following piece, “Fuck Me Fiercely” about fucking as an act of resistance, about harnessing the raw power of anger and drive into sexual relations. Content warning: it uses plenty of crass language, but that is also the intent.

Fuck me fiercely, like your hands and lips and cock are instruments of dissent. I want to hear your guttural, the sounds in your throat that echo orgasm and rage.

Fuck me like fucking is an act of defiance, an unapologetic stand, a shameless gauntlet thrown down to the streets.

Fuck me like “Fuck You!” sounds when it’s screamed like war cries. Hold my hips like you are holding my hand and running into the fire.

Fuck me with the passion of enough. Fuck me like fucking is adrenaline embodied, like we are fighting back by loving fiercely, loving recklessly, loving fully.

Fuck me like we do not have the luxury of fear. Like this moment, right here, is the dawn before the storm and we are fucking because we are alive, right now, and we do not have the privilege to expect tomorrow.

Fuck me like fucking is courageous. Like fucking is how we scream.

Fuck me with planning and care that goes to hell when the firebombs start. Fuck me like fucking is surviving and we are survivors, like we would fuck in the streets just to piss off someone who couldn’t stand the sight of you and me.

Fuck me like rebels and anarchists and radicals. Fuck me like you know the taste and shape of those words, how they fit in your mouth, and fuck with me the passion with which you left them behind.

Fuck me like you’re picking them up again.

stay-queer-stay-rebel
art-and-anarchism

Our bodies, how we relate to one another and ourselves is a part of our self-care, to combat the fatigue and daily assaults on who we are and how we live. They are the moments when we unravel and show our fear and vulnerability. They are the beating heart of who we are, and without that sense of connection to ourselves and one another, we would be little more than robots, constantly fighting with no end in sight, no moments of joy, no sense of solidarity and connection, no sense of being seen.

When we are seen and embraced, then we are able to relax, recharge, refuel. For some, this comes by means other than sex, particularly those who are asexual. But for others, the act of sex- the act of fucking- is where we can unwind and unravel, fall apart and put ourselves back together again. It is a moment that cannot be taken away by politics and fearmongering. It is the essence of being wholly, truly present, and in the moments after, we find ourselves truly alive.

Our bodies are more than tools; they are instruments that we play to the beat of the music we expose ourselves to. Sometimes it is chanting at a protest, sometimes it is challenging problematic language, and sometimes it’s the pure pleasure of being present.

We cannot ignore or minimize the discussions of our bodies, our sexuality, our eros, in these discussions. They are central to the assaults, yes, but they are also essential to the healing that comes so that we may persevere and thrive, regardless of the constant propaganda that we should be ashamed of who we are. We must not forget to live, to breathe, the embrace and enjoy the life we have now. If we forget to do that, they have won. If we sacrifice our joy for their fear, then we have given them the power to conquer our hearts.

Fuck fiercely. Love wholly. Embrace yourself and those around you. Find intimacy. Show people unconditional love. And never let the urgent news of the day diminish the need for important, radical self-care.

Robin:

revrobin2-023I am dismayed and distraught, and angry, at the flurry of orders that are passing for a working government in the ten days since the Presidential inauguration. It feels to me like we have an adult child who is playing a role, surrounded by people who either are afraid to tell him to stop or who also proceed from an immature understanding of the exercise of power and authority. Even more, some of those orders are having immediate negative consequences for people caught in the web of suspicion and fear that marks new national policies and priorities.

And yet I refuse to be governed by fear, my own as well as that driving the man who holds the title of President. I also refuse to be governed by anger, even though I will tap into it to claim my power to push back against fear.  I learned long ago, from my old friend and mentor, Beverly Wildung Harrison, about the power of anger in the work of love.

I remember the 1960s when some said “make love not war.” Often, they meant, stop the fighting and have sex, stop beating people up and fuck instead. But there also was an edge to this, because they were angry about the senseless loss of life–not only U.S. service personnel but also the people of Vietnam and Cambodia. I remember the first time I heard “fuck” said in public was at an anti-war rally at the University of Michigan in 1966–and the speaker drew a contrast between two kinds: the one where both parties are enjoying it and the other where one is getting off at the expense, the dignity, the life/lives, of the other.

make-love-not-war-maniacjoe-comSo, in my fear and anger, I remember I am called to love. And I am called to love, to fuck, in the first way with my husband, and to use the desire for community and care which is part of that to love others, too, as I do my part to resist a certain Bully in Chief before he does more of the second (which is not love only fuck without any care for those he violates).

You may think I, a 70-year-old married clergyman, have gone off the deep end, talking about sex in the midst of our national angst. We can talk about bodies—e.g., the immigrants’ bodies are being mistreated, and the bodies of those who lose health care will surely be adversely affected —and we surely can talk about spirit or spirituality. This focus on keeping people from countries with a Islamic majority in its citizenry out of our nation violates our long, and clearly continuing, struggle for religious tolerance and openness. That struggle reflects our national spirit from the days of Jefferson and Madison and many others. And that struggle against intolerance and prejudice is consonant with values in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam of welcoming and caring for the stranger, the sojourner, in the land.

But what about sex? Is it even appropriate, at times like these, to admit we’re having sex? And forget about admitting is: Is it even appropriate to be sexual at all? Can we have fun in the bedroom, or wherever, when there is so much angst? And if we are engaging in sexual activity, and we want to talk about it, what language do we use?

My answer to both questions—whether to have sex and whether to admit it—is an unequivocal yes! Here’s why I feel so strongly about this (some thoughts on language a little later).

oliver-rath-peace-sign-with-naked-bodies
Oliver Rath artistic nudes, peace sign, Friedenskonferenz (courtesy of rath-photografie.de)

A time of difficulty is precisely a good time to feel the power of one’s own body and soul. To acknowledge, and draw upon, our own erotic power provides a sense of well-being and stability at times when both are in question.  The strength of our response to trouble(s) can be enhanced by how well we are connected to others, especially other loved ones, as well as our own inner and embodied selves.

The more all of us, whatever our orientation(s), understand the power of the erotic to guide our lives into wholeness the better people we will be and the safer and saner the world will be. Fucking, including our self-pleasuring, is a delight for us and our partners and is a vital way to heal the planet and our nation and ourselves. It also is an expression of embodied power.

The reason for this is the exchange of energy that happens when we are erotically engaged—whether it is solo or coupled or group or monogamous or polyamorous or “vanilla” or BDSM, or anything else.

We must talk about, even celebrate, these exchanges—because we cannot give all the conversational space over to those who are creating the angst and anger, or even to those of us who engage in resistance. Indeed, resistance really depends on our being centered and strong. When we deny our erotic core, even in the cause of working and witnessing for justice and peace, we weaken our participation. I am reminded of a saying attributed to 20th Century socialist/anarchist Emma Goldman, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution.”

emma-goldman-300x185Authoritarian regimes, fascist movements, even fundamentalist religious and political movements and leaders, want to keep people under control. They do not want sprouts of life to emerge, they do not want joy to bud unless it is the sort authored by the power they create and use to bring what they consider order to society.

Thus, our resistance to control needs not only to be direct opposition—protests, marches, letter-writing, phone calls, etc.—but also expressions of alternative visions of life, ways of bearing witness to how God calls us to connect with each other, with all others, in love and hope and gratitude for life. A key mechanism of connection is eros, acknowledging and acting on our desire to be in positive, healthy relation with all that is life-giving.

God is not as interested in order as in fullness of life, nor, I believe, is God’s sense of order too much like ours—which is why the uprising within ourselves of desire, sometimes seeming to come at odd or inconvenient moments or in ways we may not always understand, can seem disorderly.  But in God’s realm, such moments are very much in order.  Indeed, in the midst of this writing, I felt a powerful urge to masturbate, a desire to which I yielded in joy and gratitude all the way to feeling divine energy rising in and out through my cock.  I know it helped me get clearer about what I want and need to say (and that is not far from the first time that has happened).

I-want-you-inside-me
http://quotesgram.com/

That does not mean we have to have sex with everyone, and it certainly does not mean coercing others to engage in something not agreeable to them, but it does mean that we find ways to express the erotic through our bodies, spirits, and minds. I know a couple who have been partnered for quite some time who are now seeing a sex therapist to deal with fears and blockages in their intimate life. This couple just recently experienced anal intercourse in a way they had long avoided, and it is opening them up to more—right in the midst of their own fears over the way the country is moving.

I also think we need to pay attention to our language. Malachi and I generally avoid using “street language” here, while at the same time trying to be honest. I used “fuck” above for the first time here (by me) because I believe at a time of crisis, a time of widespread angst and anger, our language must be direct. We don’t need to be rude, but we can claim the power not only of our bodies but also our language.

I try not to use the term “fuck” to connote negative situations (I choose not to say, “Fuck You” in anger, including even about major political figures with whom I am very angry), because it is a good earthy term to describe a powerful experience that is intended, by God I believe, to bless us and our partner(s).  So when others are hurting people through their policies and actions, I believe a good fuck creates powerful, authentic energy. That’s the same way I feel about sucking, and jerking off, and licking, not to mention names for body parts that convey connection deeper than formal medical anatomical terms.

god-loves-sex-dashhouse-com
DashHouse.com

I continue to believe that the church has missed major opportunities over two millennia to engage the sexual, the sensual, the erotic, in powerful ways to show people how God works in and through us. Our Jewish roots are far more earthy than Christian theology and practice has recognized.  I believe Jesus would be talking about sex, certainly sharing ways to resist modern-day Pharaohs through our embodied presence and action and challenging the sex phobia of so much religious teaching.

In these times, let us get real, and let us undermine the powers that seek to control by celebrating, even flaunting, our freedom, our call to be the whole people God wants us to be—including our genitals and the entirety of our bodies (every square inch of which are, at least some times, glorious erogenous zones).

We Want to Hear from You!

Help Make this a Conversation!

Did you participate in a local march or action? Did you feel included or did you feel “othered” by those around you? What are your thoughts on protest in the coming weeks, months, and years? Please share your thoughts, your heart, on these questions or anything else this blog raises for you (see “Leave a Comment” link on upper left, underneath categories and tags), or box below, or write Malachi and/or Robin at the emails listed above their pictures on the right.

discoverpittsfield.com
discoverpittsfield.com

Join Us Third Thursdays!

Please join us THURSDAY, February 16th for Sex, Bodies, Spirit Online from 3-4:00 EST/19:00 UTC. To access the call, please click here. Please note that some members of the call (including Robin and Malachi) choose to enable video during the call. Video is not necessary; we encourage participants to participate as they feel comfortable. A sidebar chat option is available to those who choose not to enable their audio/video components.  If you have questions or concerns prior to the workshop, please write one of us at the email addresses above our pictures.

Workshop description: Non-Monogamy 2 continues from where a previous workshop ended. On December 15, 2016, Malachi and Robin delved into non-monogamy. Malachi described its various forms in contemporary culture and offered observations from personal experience. Robin commented on some of the positive aspects and understandings he has gained through learning more about non-monogamy and reflected on his own feelings (which are more positive than he would have thought). There was a good discussion among those participating on the call, and questions were raised. Malachi and Robin plan to offer more information, and specifically some responses to the questions. If you were unable to be present on December 15, we are hoping a video of the presentation (but not the discussion) will soon be available.