by Robin Gorsline
I thought this would be a difficult post to write, especially because I am posting alone while Malachi has been away at a 5-day retreat for people into kinky sex. In some ways, that retreat, and the fact that my dear friend and 27-year-old co-editor has been enjoying it, caused me to think this writing would be all the more difficult.
However, as I finished it, I am not so sure. It’s been a great experience writing this. And more good news is that next week, you’ll hear only from him (while I attend a week-long church conference—and that fact makes the contrast even greater!).
My topic today: sex and aging. I thought that would be a downer. But the opposite is true.
My interest stems from my own experience of erectile dysfunction as well as shrinkage of my testicles and a noticeable decline in the frequency of ejaculations. I know many older (and some younger) men share these or other symptoms. I also have been experiencing significant lower back pain for some months and this has interfered at times with sexual activity. Menopause may set similar things in place for women.
Don’t get me wrong. I still enjoy sex with Jonathan, in fact I want more. And I have been learning to enjoy self-pleasuring, too.
And you should know that I am writing today not so much to talk about troubles but more importantly to encourage older people to claim our right–and I believe our responsibility as part of the family of God who gives us these wondrous creations and erotic energy—to enjoy our bodies and lots of good sex.
But I do believe that it is important to talk openly about how aging affects our ability to perform sexually—not only in the way we used to, but frankly, the way at least I, and I hope you, still want to perform. Aging does not affect just me, or just men, of course.
Women also can experience significant sexual changes as they age. These include decreased blood flow to genitals, lower levels of estrogen and testosterone, thinning of the vaginal lining, loss of vaginal elasticity and muscle tone, slower arousal, reduced vaginal lubrication and less expansion of the vagina, less blood congestion in the clitoris and lower vagina, and diminished clitoral sensitivity. You can learn much more about all this, as well as suggestions to improve sex life for older women here
For all people, facing the effects of aging on our sex lives is critical. Every site I consulted, for all genders, points out that a decline in sexual activity, or a less satisfying sex life, is not automatically the effect of aging. The idea that old people don’t want or don’t have sex is false. But many have been, and are, convinced this is so.
My own experience is that six or so years ago, when my erections became less frequent, I began to think it would be only a matter of time until I would not want or have sex anymore. This was depressing. I think even Jonathan, who is 13 years younger than me, began to wonder.
But after a couple of years of avoidance, I began to seek medical help. I started testosterone therapy (TRT) to raise my levels (see left), and used trials of Viagra and Cialis (the latter, used on a daily basis really helped but there were complications and I had to stop using it). A pump helped a little, as did injections before sex (but not very romantic!).
All this took place over several years. And although in some ways it does not seem successful, what I began feeling was energy about sex. I stopped being depressed and starting thinking about what could be done so my beloved and I could be intimate like we had been for many years. One thing one specialist said to me, as he held my small cock in his hand, “Ah, suffering from disuse.”
I asked him how he knew that and he pointed to the shape of the shaft, how it was larger at the base and then abruptly tapered off. He said, “If you don’t use it, you lose it.”
That was all I needed to begin masturbating more. I had stopped because I was frustrated by not ejaculating. Now, I learned I still enjoy it, and that actually seemed to help when Jonathan and I had sex. My erections were better.
Erections are not the only issue for me, and for many men. Aging can shrink your penis. And then, regular use of TRT usually leads to significant shrinkage of testicles, because they no longer have much to do. And a consequence of that is a significant reduction in the production of semen. That makes ejaculation less possible. I am checking out alternative therapies to deal with this, and I having a great time talking with a therapist about my new sexual energy and how best to use it.
Today, I feel more alive sexually than I ever have. Instead of taking it for granted—a quick jerk-off to relieve tension or after seeing someone sexy when I was younger, or just assuming I could become hard whenever I tried—I now cherish my body and my erotic feelings all the time and at a far deeper level.
I experience my body, my cock and more, often during morning meditation. I realize even in church, or other group, prayer, that my whole body is participating, not just my brain or my ears and mouth. I really yearn to hold hands or hug during prayer because I experience the human connection as a divine one, too.
And now that my body sags in places it never did before, and I feel more aches and pains from time to time, I have begun to undo my negative reaction, you might call it the “ick” or “yuck” factor, to the idea of my parents being sexual. I know they were at least once—after all, here I am—but I have this nagging feeling that it wasn’t very often. Part of the reason I think that is that they were so rarely physically affectionate with each other. That makes me sad. They deserved better.
Everybody deserves a rich sex life—not just the young, but the middle-aged and the older and really elderly people. I want Jonathan to be sucking me in the nursing home, and assuming I die first, I want someone else to be doing that for him until the very end.
I used to think Dr. Ruth was a bit nutty. Not anymore. She had the right idea.
Don’t take ideas of diminished sexual capacity due to aging lying down. After all many of us have been through in our lives—from joys to traumas and just plain hard work day in and day out—it is high time we had some really good sex!! And lots of it.
And one more thing: I think us older folks can lead the real sexual revolution, the one in which the world overcomes phobias and old teachings and misguided morality and really claims God’s way as the best way: make love, not war.
We Want to Hear from You! Help Make this a Conversation!
What do you think? Are you an older person seeking a better sex life? Do you think it is possible to be very active sexually as an older person? If you are younger, do you fear aging, thinking it will diminish your sexual pleasure? Or can you imagine your sex life getting better as you age? Please share your thoughts, your heart on these questions or anything else this blog raises for you (see “Leave a Comment” link on upper left, underneath categories and tags), or box below, or write Malachi and/or Robin at the emails listed above their pictures on the right.